Mother in law disrespected me now i dont want her at my house, am i wrong?

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Ok, so I had a baby a few weeks ago, i had decided i didn’t want anyone to kiss her at first until her immune system had time to mature. My saw my mother in law kissing her all over, I asked my husband to talk to her, i did not want to hurt her feelings. So he told her we didnt want anyone kissing her yet. Two days later mil came over and was smothering baby w kisses right infront of me. So I asked husband to remind her of the rules. So he did. A couple days later mil came over and was kissing baby again right infront of me, as if she was trying to show me she didnt care about my rules. I didn’t want to fight so after she left i sent her a text message telling her that she had been asked twice and to remember not to kiss baby when she was over here. She told me that she saw other people kiss her but if we didnt want her to then she wouldnt. I told her that i know she didnt see anyone else kiss her because i watch very carefully for these things when people are holding my baby. I feel like she was just trying to make me feel bad for her. Anyways we exchanged a few more words. At this point i feel like we are fighting. The very next day she comes over to our house, as if to show me she’s gonna do whatever she wants. I feel like she should have given me some space for a few day considering we were not on good terms. She tells my husband that it is her right as a grandma to kiss the baby. She doesn’t understand that we are the parents and decide what is best for our baby. She doesnt have to like the rules its not her child. She keeps asking to come over when its only been like three days since our fight. I feel like she has no respect for boundaries. I feel like by continuing to come over she is trying to show me that she’ll do what she wants and doesnt care how i feel about things. I told my husband i was no longer comfortable with her coming over. He disagrees cause its his mom but she has crossed the line. I am at my wits end with this. She is telling my husbands brother that i am not letting her come over and see the baby. Which is twisting the truth. She trys to manipulate my husband into feeling bad for her. This is causing huge problems between me and my husband. I need some advise, am i in the wrong? Should she be able to come over no matter what she does? Help me please

6

Answers


  1. kuta
    0 Votes
    Oooh, you put us or me anyway in a bit of a spot, 'cos I see a bit of right and wrong on both sides here. I guess I'll start with the kissing of the baby. Unless your baby has a very delicate, compromised immune system, or the person doing the kissing has a cold or been in contact with someone infectious, there should be no real reason for your mother-in-law not to kiss the baby. I can understand that you feel very protective and if this is (as I assume it is), your first baby that feeling is 100% more than it will be for subsequent babies, honest. However, I do understand the importance of having some boundaries, it is very easy to get dominated by very well-meaning and loving grand parents and feel they are trying to take over your baby. You make no mention of your own family and that worries me a little, only in that if your own mother is allowed to do pretty much as she pleases then it will feel a bit unfair to your mother-in-law, even if she understands that the role of your mother is a little different to hers. What you don't want to end up doing is making a war from a misunderstanding, the fall-out from such events can be huge. I'd suggest a little get together perhaps over a cup of tea/coffee and then a chat about how you realise how excited she is about becoming a grandma and that you know that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed with how protective you feel at times. Then explain that much as you and your husband are really happy to have input and support from the rest of the family you also both believe that it's important to have a few ground rules set early on and that you hope she will respect those. Try to make it clear that these rules will apply to others, not just her. Some of your rules might be around routines, so that if the baby is down for a nap, grandparents are not to wake the baby deliberately but on the other hand, when it's time to get them up then if they are visiting it would be lovely if they want to bring the baby down, perhaps even be there for the odd bath-time and story time etc. Your rules need to be fair and you should only need a few, unless she can think of any others that she found useful back in the day! Don't forget to tell her that you will welcome and listen to her advice, but remind her not to be offended if you don't necessarily always do what she recommends, advice is exactly that and it's there to be taken or left. You don't say how well both sets of families get on but try not to let it get too one sided, your husband will obviously have loyalty to them so you need to agree on putting up a united front when dealing with either sets of grand parents. You do have the right to say when a visit is convenient and you can certainly ask them to arrange things in advance rather than just dropping by every time they feel like it, but try not to push them away too far. Remember that as your baby grows, having some adult time is very important, so having some willing volunteers for baby-sitting duties is vital and ideally should involve both sides of the family. What you feel isn't necessarily wrong, but may be a little stronger than it needs to be, it's understandable you're a new mum and you're learning no end of things really fast, and no matter how good the books are, they can't tell you exactly what it's really like, and very little of it is easy nor by the book! Good luck.
  2. Somebody
    0 Votes

    I would try so smooth things over as best as you can. The truth is it’s your baby and you can do what ever you want, and if you husband had to choose he would always choose you over his family too. But you really don’t want it to come down to it. I was way over protective with my first baby, you sound like me, but really the odds of your baby getting sick by someone kissing her head is highly unlikely. And you and your husband are probably just as exposed to passing germs to her, if you even step out to the grocery. I know having a baby is stressful and you want to protect her from everything. If I were you I would take the higher road and call her up and say something like this…. “You know…. I just had a baby and I am in love with her sooooo much and don’t want her to get sick from people kissing her. You can say that I am sure she wont get sick but until I loosen up a bit can you try to refrain from smothering her with too many kisses?” with a smile….. And then you can say how you appreciate how much she loves her grand baby and that there can never be too many people that love her. And try to bring up something like this…. I am sure you were just as proctective of your son ( meaning your husband) as much as you are with your baby. My mother in law is similar in the sense that I know she thinks I am crazy and over protective, but I accept that and instead of making an aggument of it, I make it out to be me that is too protective. Now it’s like a joke, but she knows it’s not her it’s me and she doesn’t feel insulted by it either. As for her coming over un invited. Tell her that you are starting a scheduled for your baby and she is always welcome to come by, but if she could give you a call ahead of time just to make sure she’d not inturupting the schedudle. Or tell her you have been trying to catch up on sleep and you are sleeping when the baby sleeps. So call first to she if you are sleeping too. Mom’s need to get rest when they can right? By the way you’re never in the wrong when it comes to taking care of your baby. You sound like a good mommy!

  3. Tango
    0 Votes

    Grandparents feel entitled to spoil the child. it’s just a fact of life. Stay strong to what you feel is right, but be prepared to bend on somethings. I understand that you are concerned for the health of your child. Try having her come over when the baby is down for a nap and explaining to her how you feel and why you feel that this is the best for your baby. Make it just the 2 of you. The problems with your husband are that he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. He loves his mother and doesn’t want to upset her, but he also loves you and the baby. The tension comes from the “I don’t know what to do” feeling that he’s having trying to please the both of you. I know that you probably want him to talk to her bc she’s his mother, but dealing with her directly is going to easy up on his stress and should make things easier at home.

    She is disrespecting your wishes, so I understand that you don’t want her around the baby period for now. When you talk to her try not to get angry or let her get angry. Keep the conversation in nuetral tones. After you have had your say and she her’s, if she still cannot respect your wishes you have the right to say that she cannot see the until the baby’s immune system develops. The most important thing is that she hears it from you and not your husband.

  4. Terri J
    0 Votes

    Of course this is causing problems with your husband: You’re acting petty and immature. I’m going to assume that this is the result of raging hormones after having a child.

    Ask your doctor, there’s no reason why healthy people should not kiss your baby – especially her grandparents. That said, you are right that she should have respected your wishes that she not do so. But you have blown this up into a huge fuss, for no reason at all. When your MIL told you that she wouldn’t kiss the baby any more, even though she’s seen others do it, you should have just thanked her and moved on – issue resolved. Instead, you argued with her, and then baited her.

    If you continue to insist that your relationship with your MIL is always on your terms, you’re in for a lot of drama, and a lot of hassle between you and your hubby. Please, let it go. Your husband needs his mom, and your baby needs her grandma. Who cares about this stupid stuff like coming over when you think she should wait a few days? Be happy she loves your child.

  5. H
    0 Votes

    The thing you did wrong here was that you sent her a text message! Why couldn’t you have simply told her the rules to her face yourself and then reminded her if she failed to abide. Your husband does not have to be the go-between here. You’re the mother and an adult…if you want to be treated like one, you should be able to talk to your mother in law…or anyone else…without the assistance of your husband. Have a conversation face to face and settle this like an adult…not being bitchy, sarcastic or bossy…just make yourself clear. Why are you concerned to hurt her feelings? If you decide to make a rule in your home about your child then you should be able to audibly tell people what the rules are and enforce them as needed by yourself without the use of texting, emails, etc.

    Is there a reason why you had to let her into the home? Why couldn’t you have told her at the door “it’s not a good day to visit…we’ll call you.”? Seriously…this has gotten out of hand and it really could have been prevented.

    YOU have not told her the rules about your child and the care of your child to her face. You haven’t set up any boundaries! You haven’t had a conversation with her….texting does not count. You have to have a conversation…talk to people. It’s time you sit down with her and talk about this. Tell her the rules, that you are the mother and that you and your husband have agreed to this. If she gets upset, just say you’re sorry she feels so strongly about this, but this is what you want for your child. If she wants to visit, tell her that you’ve just had the baby and would appreciate a phone call first. When she calls, if you don’t feel like a visit, simply tell her that and that today isn’t a good day. If she comes to the door, tell her that it isn’t a good time and you’d let her know when there is a better day.

    You must learn to be an adult, mother and not depend on your husband for everything. You can have a conversation with her all by yourself or with anyone else. Ans you can take control. But you have to do it…you can’t leave it up to other people or assume things about your mother in law.

  6. lytehoney08010
    0 Votes

    I honestly don’t think I would have a problem with the grandparents kissing my baby, unless they were extremly dirty, on drugs or prostitues! However if that’s what you and hubby agreed to, it is your child and you have the right to set your boundaries irregardless to how petty they may sound to someone else. If you have asked several times and she has purposely decided to go against what you’ve asked then I understand your frustration. Just remember even after delivery our hormones are still a little out of wack, so things are still magnified. Don’t let that impare your judgement.

    Would I be wrong in saying you and your MIL have had slight run in’s before. Has she showed you signs that she can be controlling? Do you really not want her to kiss the baby or is this your chance to show her who is in control? Sometimes you have to pick your battles, if this is really something you feel is inappropriate then you have to stand up for it. However if this is your way of showing her who’s the boss, understand you will have plenty of up coming situations to exercise your authority.

    Your Hubby is under pressure right now because his mother is pissed and has involved other family memebers into your business. Now his mother and brother are ganging up on him becasue of you and your not helping him by being what he may feel is stubborn. What your doing right now is confirming what his mother and brother are telling him, that your trying to keep her away from the baby. The probably think your purposely being petty.

    You are letting your stubbornness towards her come between you and your hubby. Understand as long as you play as a team he will be on your side. Instead of being harsh and not allowing her to come over compromise for the sake of your team. If this is that big of a deal to you, remind your hubby of your agreement in ref to kissing the baby. Explain to him that his mother has blatantly ignored your request doing it right in your face and it upsets you. Tell him that because you know this hurts him you will agree to let his mom come back over, but if she attempts to do it again it’s an automatic deal breaker and she needs to know it. This way you are leaving the ball in your MIL’s court, to cancel herself out.

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