what should i do ? HELP PLEASE?


Ok so im 16 years I was adopted as a child because of my mother’s drug use. My adopted mother died when I was 5 so I moved with an older cousin but when I was there it’s like she didn’t really give a F*** she never took time to talk to me unless of course I was getting in trouble for something …but n e ways I moved out when I was 13.. With my aunt things are pretty good most of the time…so in my 8th grade year my biological cousin was in my class(she came in the middle of the school year)..so through her I met my mom .. I met her in the hospital she was dying of cancer and on top of that on dialysis …she died almost a month after I met her (met her Feb 19 04 died march 7. 04)…I never really asked her any questions because she was always weak and tired and it took a lot of energy for her to talk so I felt like I was bothering her so I never asked any questions like what am I ECT … I REGRET it now because I think I had a right to ask even though she didn’t owe me an explanation…but anyways you can pretty much say I’ve never had a mom …or anything of the sort and of course since I’ve never had one I’ve always wanted one or a substitute…I mean I could’ve let someone in but all those people I guess never met my criteria..or the people I chose just didn’t understand or didn’t get the message when I was in directly reaching out to them or putting on the sad face when they came around hoping they would ask what wrong then .. I could just unload but of course life is never that easy…

So anyway to the point when I was in 9th grade(last year) this girl or should I say woman was a speaker …in my class the first time she came I was just like oh yea whatever she’s cool she really understands us ..so my teacher made us write a letter to her .. I have no idea what I wrote her about but wen she came back months later she said that my letter had inspired her …(I was happy about that TEAR)so at the end of class I went up to her she was talking to someone else so I waited then when she was finished she told me to come over to her then she just took me in her arms and asked if I was ok and if there was anything I needed to talk about …and if just by reading this you should I’ve been waiting for someone like that ALMOST ALL MY LIFE !!!!

Well I got her number called her that night but she was busy…texted her the next day but that was it haven’t seen her or verbally talked to her since …a few days later she got called back to duty she was on 2 week leave from the military ..(I assume).. We communicated through email while she was away. I continued to write her when she returned … I guess I was creeping her out or put to much on her to too fast or she just doesn’t want to be bothered by a teenager with issues…I tried to apologize for writing to much or seeming like I was obsessed with her and expecting her to be there for me even though we both hadn’t agreed on that.. Well she hasn’t written back to these emails and I haven’t written her since jan. 21 (doing pretty good with that) and I decided that im going to do everything I always thought I need some one else to help me with which is forgive all the people I have grud against and let the pain go and cry all the tears I’ve held in for years..then once that process is over I was going to write her a letter saying thanks for leaving me or ignoring me because now I realize I can do things on my own and I don’t need peoples help even with things I’ve always thought I could do only as long there was someone there to help me…FOR some reason I feel as if she’s meant to be in my life and I think that’s why I haven’t let her go.. I know that some people are out in your life for a REASON, a SEASON, or a LIFETIME …so im wondering if im trying to keep someone who was only meant to be in my life for a reason or season in for a LIFE TIME? And also SHOULD I WRITE HER A FINAL LETTER OR LET HER BE ?
WHEN I SAY WRITE HER A FINAL LETTER I MEAN IM GOING TO TELL HER THANKS FOR LEAVING ME ALONE BECAUSE IT SHOWED ME I can do even the hardest thing such as forgiving >>BY MYSELF ..but I still have to start that process before I write that letter
** SHE BEEN HOME FROM TH MILITARY FOR ABOUT 9 months I think I saw her Monday FREAKY>>> maybe god is testing me taking away someone I’ve wanted in my life for a long time and waiting for me to trust an depend on him first before he gives me some one else ? I don’t know or am I just making up excuse why I shouldn’t let her go ? I wouldn’t even know how to start …letting her go…we live in the same town what am I going to do if I see her how do I act if I can’t avoid her girlfriend is fearless almost so what do I do if she just walks up to me and just tells me to leave her the H*** alone…this town is big but it’s small enough to run in to someone you want to avoid



  1. kaliadee
    0 Votes
    Wow darlin, that was so emotional and I feel for you so deeply. You have been through so much pain and I just felt your emotion come out when you said there was someone that you've been looking for all your life. I think it's great that you found someone like that. Maybe you should meet with her again in person. It is a lot easier for that person to understand you and what you are going through when you are speaking eye to eye. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed or want to avoid her. You have a legitimate reason to want to reach out to her. You feel safe around her and she is someone who initially took the time to care and speak with you. So maybe you could write a letter asking to speak with her. Then when you meet her you could just explain exactly what you wrote here. That through meeting her and bonding with her...and then feeling the disappointment of being rejected (it was kind of like rejection) you have become much stronger. If you don't want to say that...just say that you are learning so much about yourself and how to be strong. I think it's amazing the way you are writing about this. You have great insight as to how you feel and you know what you need. You need someone to care about you...which is what we ALL want and need. Since you have not had much of that...you are seeking out anyone who seems that they could fill that role for you. But since that person is a busy adult with their own life...they don't have the time to fully devote to you ..you are looking for more. I think the fact that you say that you are stronger now and don't need anyone shows that you are maturing. But always remember that we all need people. You may feel like you don't need any help...but life is so hard with out involving anyone else in your life. Give this a chance. It will take time to regain trust in people. Your trust is significantly damaged due to the fact that your mother left you for whatever reason and no one has really been there. So this will take time girl. But you seem so strong. I think the choice is up to you. You can write her a letter if it gets something off of your chest and puts closure on the whole experience. You could even write her the letter and then not mail it. You would get the feelings out on paper..and it's not necessarily that important if you don't send it. Either way your story really inspires me because I see how much of a struggle you have been through and it makes me grateful for what I have. Thanks for sharing this and I wish you the very best. If you would like a friend to email I would surely be willing to be a friend if you need some support. kalia07dee@yahoo.com is my email. God bless. Oh and I just wanted to say that this almost brought me to tears. I will pray for you and hope that you find the love and support that you so deserve sweetie. There are people out there who will take you in and love you and be like a "mom" to you. Don't give up on finding someone.
  2. resolutionary
    0 Votes

    You are in my prayers. I pray God will put someone else in your life to help you know how much you are loved and accepted and worth so much. I feel for you.

    Feeling that alone throughout childhood can have an effect on a person – perhaps to think all people are bad or untrustworthy, or to think that of yourself.

    You know, I would encourage you to write a letter instead -to ask those questions you had for your bio mom, and the unspoken feelings you had toward your adopted mom and anyone else who you feel there is unresolved grief.

    You have taken on a huge loss early in life, and to face the pain, although unpleasant, is the only way to heal and make that burden you carry to lose its power.

    You don’t have to do life alone. There are people who God will put in your life who really love you. Keep your faith, keep trusting and persevering. There will be reward, i’ve seen it happen before, as a counsellor.

    You are loved.

  3. pimpin bunny
    0 Votes

    me personally would write a last letter and good luck

  4. Priscilla Mason
    0 Votes

    I could imagine the pain you could be feeling from time to time. Write that last letter, and fill it with love and joy.

You must be logged in to post a comment.